Finding balance in the new normal....

When we heard the words "it's cancer" I think I literally felt our world shift. Barrett & I just stared at each other waiting for the doctor to look embarrassed, apologize for being in the wrong room and leave. That didn't happen.

I remember thinking "I am going to die."

I remember the car ride home in the rain being the longest of my life. I had two lists running in my head: 1. things I needed to do to live 2. things I need to do for Barrett and the kids in case I die.

I remember hugging the kids so hard that night that Bodie said "mama you are squishing me."

I remember going to bed that night worrying about Barrett and if I died how he would find a new wife when he already had fours kids.

That first weekend after we found out was such a roller coaster of emotions. But I got up on Monday with a new attitude, got dressed, went to work and had an appointment with my oncologist.

This was the new normal.

"Before" we juggled work, four kids, playdates, sports, school, homework, etc. "After" we have the same responsibilites but added appointments with the oncologist, breast surgeon, chemo, scans, etc.

The new normal.

I am truly exhausted at the end of every day. All I want to do when I walk in the door at home is go straight to bed (like I am right now) and sleep until the morning. That is actually what I did for most of November and December because I was in pain and it was mixed with exhausted.

Again, the new normal.

The only place that I find myself truly struggling right now is how to be a good wife and mother during all of this.

So many responsibilities have fallen at Barrett's feet to handle because he insists that I rest as much as I can. By the time he comes to bed at night I am beyond sound asleep. He lets me sleep as long as he can in the morning so I see him long enough to say goodbye and he is out the door. Yes, we work together but it isn't like hanging out together. I miss the days of watching NCIS or The Good WIfe on demand after the kids were down for the night. I miss the simple but important stuff. I miss what life was like before the word "cancer" was always on our minds. I hate that he worries constantly but doesn't want me know. I hate that I feel like I have messed up his life. I wonder if things will ever be normal again. Don't get me wrong, we are still a strong couple but a in a very different way.

I worry what impact this is having on the kids. Day to day they seem happy and "ok". But then I see glimmers of worry or being upset. I encourage them to talk about how they feel - the good and the bad. I felt bad when Bodie was so upset when I took the clippers to the little hair I had left. When I have a headache I can see the look of worry on Jaxon's face and I explain that it is a simple headache and nothing more. I wonder how much of this Copeland will remember - not much I hope. I worry about McKenna's future and if she is destined to go through this.

Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer - I don't mean for it to be. Sometimes putting my worries in words helps me sort it all out.