Where Do I Start?

I don't even know where to start.......

The last blog (which shut down because I never updated) left off with us having the three boys and pregnant with #4 - a baby girl!

Miss McKenna Mariska arrived on May 18th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz - bigger than any of her brothers at birth! So much for the dainty little girl - ha! Her brothers love her to pieces and you can tell the feeling is mutual. She has definitely made our family complete.

Fast forward to 11.11.11 - supposedly a lucky day that turned out to be not so lucky for us. Barrett took me to the ER with what we thought would be kidney stones but turned out to be a diagnosis of breast cancer that spread to my liver and some of my bones. The moment that my doctor said those words are forever burned in my mind. I remember Barrett and I just staring at each other in total shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for the doctor to apologize and say that he was in the wrong room but that didn't happen.

The drive home was the longest of my life. The words "I am going to die" kept running through my head. We were both terrified. Neither of us knew what to say or what to do next.

What we did next was go home, hug our kids, take a deep breath and go to bed.

That weekend was full of tears - a lot of tears. How would I be able to say goodbye to my husband and four babies. Would they be ok? Would they even remember me?

We went to work on Monday and got a call that there was an opening at the Oncologist. Barrett went with me - we had so many questions we didn't know where to begin. Thankfully the Oncologist was patient and walked us through the next few steps that we would need to take.

Here is a brief synopsis:

11.11.11 diagnosis
11.14.11 first appt w/ oncologist
11.17.11 needle biopsy w/ breast surgeon
11.22.11 call from doctor with the offical confirmation of breast cancer diagnosis
11.23.11 pet scan
11.28.11 surgery to place medi-port in my chest
12.02.11 first round of chemo
12.03.11 doctor puts me in hospital due to a high fever - lots of blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan to try and figure out why
12.04.11 another night in the hospital - my fever broke in the night and returned about 5:30am so the doctor wanted me to stay another night
12.05.11 released from the hospital and went to work
12.08.11 stitches removed by breast surgeon - breast tumor measured and was 2cm smaller!!
12.12.11 f/u appointment with oncologist
12.19.11 hair loss begins
12.21.11 the night we told the boys that I was sick and that I would lose my hair. Lots of tears, hugs and questions. I take a shower later that night and end up losing 80% of my hair. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't.
12.22.11 2nd round of chemo
1.05.12 f/u appt with breast surgeon - tumor that was 11cm x 7cm is now 1.3cm x 1.7cm - AMAZING. Doctor was beyond thrilled! I was in tears when I called Barrett to tell him.

I had been in pain 24/7 when this first started and took pain medication around the clock - after just two treatments I rarely have to take any! I am also taking alot of vitamins and supplements to help boost my immune system and combat the side effects from chemo.

There is a laundry list of potential side effects and I only have hair loss, fatigue and canker sores - sounds bad but if these are the worst then I am thankful.

The outpouring of love and support for our family has been amazing, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time. I can't tell you how many times we have heard "I am praying for you and your family" - it never gets old and never goes unappreciated.

I decided that I am fighting this head on and staying positive. I am NOT letting cancer define who I am. I am a wife to Barrett, a mother to my four children and I happen to have cancer. I am determined to fight my way through this.