Our 5 year old son Bodie is a character. He is very animated, very expressful and just a hoot in general.
Last week he had his admission interview for Kindergarten. The night before he hurt his knee wrestling with his brothers so the long walk across the parking lot seemed like the gaunlet (not to mention we were running late). I asked him if he would like me to carry him and he answered with a resounding "YES!"
I picked him up and started to walk and as I did I looked as his face and he was literally grinning from ear to ear. I asked him why he was smiling so big and this is the conversation that followed:
Bodie: Mama, do you remember a couple months ago when you couldn't pick me up because it hurt so bad
Me: Yes Bodie, I remember
Bodie: Now you can pick me up! Do you know what that means?
Me: What Bodie (expecting a silly response)
Bodie: It means you are getting stronger which means you are getting better.
He followed that up with the best neck-squeazing hug ever!
I think that sometimes we as parents (I think all parents are guilty of this at some time or another) don't give our kids enough credit for understanding what is going on around them. We have had "the talk" about what is going on with me medically but it isn't until moments like these do we understand how much they absorb, understand and process these real life conversations.
I can honestly say that I am proud of our children for the way they have handled everything so far. Of course there have been tears and anger but we have had far more giggles and hugs and that is how we intend to keep it.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
What to say.....
When people who don't know me well see me (like in the hallway at the boys preschool) they look at me and then look away. It's like there is an elephant in the room and I am the elephant.
Today it was very refreshing when one of the mom's simpy looked at me and said "how are you?" I could tell that she was truly concerned and it wasn't an attempt to make small talk. I told her that I was feeling great, my doctors are thrilled with my progress and very optimistic. She went on to tell me that she has wanted to ask but didn't know what was "appropriate".
Later in the day I received a facebook message from a mom of one of Jax's preschool friends that I haven't talked to in quite a while. She told me that she had debated on whether or not she should send me the message. She told me that she has been reading this blog and my facebook posts and had been praying for me and for our family and that I was in her thoughts daily.
Both instances made me smile today. Ok, I'm not going to lie, I teared up a little too. Good tears though.
I understand that people don't know what to say, afraid they are going to say the wrong thing or ask a question that has an answer that includes bad news. I understand that people want to ask questions but don't want to be intrusive. I even understand that people look at me and think "thank God that isn't me".
I want to just let everyone (you know, the five people who read this blog) that I appreciate every "how are you, you are in my thoughts, I prayed for you" that I hear - it means you care and for that I am grateful.
If you have a question - ask it - you know me, I will be honest and tell you if it is too personal. But asking a question means you care and I would never fault anyone for that.
Even if you don't know what to say - it is ok to say exactly that.
I continue to feel great without taking any pain medication! I still battle fatigue and insomnia (great combination) but I can't really complain because the side effects could be alot worse.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for caring about my family.
xoxoxo Jen
Today it was very refreshing when one of the mom's simpy looked at me and said "how are you?" I could tell that she was truly concerned and it wasn't an attempt to make small talk. I told her that I was feeling great, my doctors are thrilled with my progress and very optimistic. She went on to tell me that she has wanted to ask but didn't know what was "appropriate".
Later in the day I received a facebook message from a mom of one of Jax's preschool friends that I haven't talked to in quite a while. She told me that she had debated on whether or not she should send me the message. She told me that she has been reading this blog and my facebook posts and had been praying for me and for our family and that I was in her thoughts daily.
Both instances made me smile today. Ok, I'm not going to lie, I teared up a little too. Good tears though.
I understand that people don't know what to say, afraid they are going to say the wrong thing or ask a question that has an answer that includes bad news. I understand that people want to ask questions but don't want to be intrusive. I even understand that people look at me and think "thank God that isn't me".
I want to just let everyone (you know, the five people who read this blog) that I appreciate every "how are you, you are in my thoughts, I prayed for you" that I hear - it means you care and for that I am grateful.
If you have a question - ask it - you know me, I will be honest and tell you if it is too personal. But asking a question means you care and I would never fault anyone for that.
Even if you don't know what to say - it is ok to say exactly that.
I continue to feel great without taking any pain medication! I still battle fatigue and insomnia (great combination) but I can't really complain because the side effects could be alot worse.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for caring about my family.
xoxoxo Jen
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Another Treatment Down......
Friday was treatment day.
It starts with a blood draw, vitals and visit with my Oncologist.
Dr. C was thrilled that my liver numbers are back to normal, I am producing red blood cells and the breast tumor is "tiny". He said that he saw my breast surgeon the day before and she was "giddy" with my progress! For doctors that deliver bad news on a daily basis this was absolute music to our ears. He said that we should assume if the medicine is shrinking the breast tumor then it is safe to say that it is working every else.
I will have another full body scan after my 4th treatment. Surgery will come some time after my 6th treatment.
After I see Dr. C I go downstairs to infusion. Basically I sit in a cubicle type of set up in a recliner with a tv and a blanket. After they access the port in my chest (hurts just as the needle goes in) and they hook up the iv meds I just chill out for about two hours. People have asked if it feels weird or if I feel anything at all during the infusion - the answer is no.
The infusion area is really big with alot of people in/out while I have treatment. I see a few familiar faces every time. It is like a club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of but we are so we have some unspoken bond.
I don't like Barrett to stay with me during treatment. It's nothing personal but I feel like he can be doing something much more productive then sitting in a cubicle staring at me. I know he doesn't like leaving me but I like the "alone" time - you know as much alone time as you can have with 50 other people in the room.
Saturday I went and picked up the wig that I ordered. Last week I went to a place here in Plano called Survivor Girls. They specialize in wigs, hats, turbons, etc. It was a surprisingly easy process. They really took the time to help me find something I liked and was close to my natural hair. I wore it all day on Saturday while running errands but I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head screaming "WIG, WIG, WIG". Barrett likes it - Bodie hated it and cried. Jax said "mama it looks beautiful". So the final verdict is still out.
I realize that in the big picture that my hair should be the least of my worries but a girl's hair is part of their identity and it has really been hard to lose it. I also think that so much of what is going on is out completely out of my control and I want to look "normal" and am having trouble adjusting to the new normal.
Overall things are going very well and we continue to focus on the positive and work through the hard stuff as a family.
It starts with a blood draw, vitals and visit with my Oncologist.
Dr. C was thrilled that my liver numbers are back to normal, I am producing red blood cells and the breast tumor is "tiny". He said that he saw my breast surgeon the day before and she was "giddy" with my progress! For doctors that deliver bad news on a daily basis this was absolute music to our ears. He said that we should assume if the medicine is shrinking the breast tumor then it is safe to say that it is working every else.
I will have another full body scan after my 4th treatment. Surgery will come some time after my 6th treatment.
After I see Dr. C I go downstairs to infusion. Basically I sit in a cubicle type of set up in a recliner with a tv and a blanket. After they access the port in my chest (hurts just as the needle goes in) and they hook up the iv meds I just chill out for about two hours. People have asked if it feels weird or if I feel anything at all during the infusion - the answer is no.
The infusion area is really big with alot of people in/out while I have treatment. I see a few familiar faces every time. It is like a club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of but we are so we have some unspoken bond.
I don't like Barrett to stay with me during treatment. It's nothing personal but I feel like he can be doing something much more productive then sitting in a cubicle staring at me. I know he doesn't like leaving me but I like the "alone" time - you know as much alone time as you can have with 50 other people in the room.
Saturday I went and picked up the wig that I ordered. Last week I went to a place here in Plano called Survivor Girls. They specialize in wigs, hats, turbons, etc. It was a surprisingly easy process. They really took the time to help me find something I liked and was close to my natural hair. I wore it all day on Saturday while running errands but I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head screaming "WIG, WIG, WIG". Barrett likes it - Bodie hated it and cried. Jax said "mama it looks beautiful". So the final verdict is still out.
I realize that in the big picture that my hair should be the least of my worries but a girl's hair is part of their identity and it has really been hard to lose it. I also think that so much of what is going on is out completely out of my control and I want to look "normal" and am having trouble adjusting to the new normal.
Overall things are going very well and we continue to focus on the positive and work through the hard stuff as a family.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Where Do I Start?
I don't even know where to start.......
The last blog (which shut down because I never updated) left off with us having the three boys and pregnant with #4 - a baby girl!
Miss McKenna Mariska arrived on May 18th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz - bigger than any of her brothers at birth! So much for the dainty little girl - ha! Her brothers love her to pieces and you can tell the feeling is mutual. She has definitely made our family complete.
Fast forward to 11.11.11 - supposedly a lucky day that turned out to be not so lucky for us. Barrett took me to the ER with what we thought would be kidney stones but turned out to be a diagnosis of breast cancer that spread to my liver and some of my bones. The moment that my doctor said those words are forever burned in my mind. I remember Barrett and I just staring at each other in total shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for the doctor to apologize and say that he was in the wrong room but that didn't happen.
The drive home was the longest of my life. The words "I am going to die" kept running through my head. We were both terrified. Neither of us knew what to say or what to do next.
What we did next was go home, hug our kids, take a deep breath and go to bed.
That weekend was full of tears - a lot of tears. How would I be able to say goodbye to my husband and four babies. Would they be ok? Would they even remember me?
We went to work on Monday and got a call that there was an opening at the Oncologist. Barrett went with me - we had so many questions we didn't know where to begin. Thankfully the Oncologist was patient and walked us through the next few steps that we would need to take.
Here is a brief synopsis:
11.11.11 diagnosis
11.14.11 first appt w/ oncologist
11.17.11 needle biopsy w/ breast surgeon
11.22.11 call from doctor with the offical confirmation of breast cancer diagnosis
11.23.11 pet scan
11.28.11 surgery to place medi-port in my chest
12.02.11 first round of chemo
12.03.11 doctor puts me in hospital due to a high fever - lots of blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan to try and figure out why
12.04.11 another night in the hospital - my fever broke in the night and returned about 5:30am so the doctor wanted me to stay another night
12.05.11 released from the hospital and went to work
12.08.11 stitches removed by breast surgeon - breast tumor measured and was 2cm smaller!!
12.12.11 f/u appointment with oncologist
12.19.11 hair loss begins
12.21.11 the night we told the boys that I was sick and that I would lose my hair. Lots of tears, hugs and questions. I take a shower later that night and end up losing 80% of my hair. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't.
12.22.11 2nd round of chemo
1.05.12 f/u appt with breast surgeon - tumor that was 11cm x 7cm is now 1.3cm x 1.7cm - AMAZING. Doctor was beyond thrilled! I was in tears when I called Barrett to tell him.
I had been in pain 24/7 when this first started and took pain medication around the clock - after just two treatments I rarely have to take any! I am also taking alot of vitamins and supplements to help boost my immune system and combat the side effects from chemo.
There is a laundry list of potential side effects and I only have hair loss, fatigue and canker sores - sounds bad but if these are the worst then I am thankful.
The outpouring of love and support for our family has been amazing, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time. I can't tell you how many times we have heard "I am praying for you and your family" - it never gets old and never goes unappreciated.
I decided that I am fighting this head on and staying positive. I am NOT letting cancer define who I am. I am a wife to Barrett, a mother to my four children and I happen to have cancer. I am determined to fight my way through this.
The last blog (which shut down because I never updated) left off with us having the three boys and pregnant with #4 - a baby girl!
Miss McKenna Mariska arrived on May 18th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz - bigger than any of her brothers at birth! So much for the dainty little girl - ha! Her brothers love her to pieces and you can tell the feeling is mutual. She has definitely made our family complete.
Fast forward to 11.11.11 - supposedly a lucky day that turned out to be not so lucky for us. Barrett took me to the ER with what we thought would be kidney stones but turned out to be a diagnosis of breast cancer that spread to my liver and some of my bones. The moment that my doctor said those words are forever burned in my mind. I remember Barrett and I just staring at each other in total shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for the doctor to apologize and say that he was in the wrong room but that didn't happen.
The drive home was the longest of my life. The words "I am going to die" kept running through my head. We were both terrified. Neither of us knew what to say or what to do next.
What we did next was go home, hug our kids, take a deep breath and go to bed.
That weekend was full of tears - a lot of tears. How would I be able to say goodbye to my husband and four babies. Would they be ok? Would they even remember me?
We went to work on Monday and got a call that there was an opening at the Oncologist. Barrett went with me - we had so many questions we didn't know where to begin. Thankfully the Oncologist was patient and walked us through the next few steps that we would need to take.
Here is a brief synopsis:
11.11.11 diagnosis
11.14.11 first appt w/ oncologist
11.17.11 needle biopsy w/ breast surgeon
11.22.11 call from doctor with the offical confirmation of breast cancer diagnosis
11.23.11 pet scan
11.28.11 surgery to place medi-port in my chest
12.02.11 first round of chemo
12.03.11 doctor puts me in hospital due to a high fever - lots of blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan to try and figure out why
12.04.11 another night in the hospital - my fever broke in the night and returned about 5:30am so the doctor wanted me to stay another night
12.05.11 released from the hospital and went to work
12.08.11 stitches removed by breast surgeon - breast tumor measured and was 2cm smaller!!
12.12.11 f/u appointment with oncologist
12.19.11 hair loss begins
12.21.11 the night we told the boys that I was sick and that I would lose my hair. Lots of tears, hugs and questions. I take a shower later that night and end up losing 80% of my hair. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't.
12.22.11 2nd round of chemo
1.05.12 f/u appt with breast surgeon - tumor that was 11cm x 7cm is now 1.3cm x 1.7cm - AMAZING. Doctor was beyond thrilled! I was in tears when I called Barrett to tell him.
I had been in pain 24/7 when this first started and took pain medication around the clock - after just two treatments I rarely have to take any! I am also taking alot of vitamins and supplements to help boost my immune system and combat the side effects from chemo.
There is a laundry list of potential side effects and I only have hair loss, fatigue and canker sores - sounds bad but if these are the worst then I am thankful.
The outpouring of love and support for our family has been amazing, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time. I can't tell you how many times we have heard "I am praying for you and your family" - it never gets old and never goes unappreciated.
I decided that I am fighting this head on and staying positive. I am NOT letting cancer define who I am. I am a wife to Barrett, a mother to my four children and I happen to have cancer. I am determined to fight my way through this.
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