We hit the beach this week.
Sort of bad timing because we are missing orientation and meet the teacher for Bodie and Jax. I can say that it is MUCH needed for everyone so I don't feel so guilty.
We arrived on Sunday after an over night drive and stop at a hotel. McKenna wouldn't sleep in her pack n play so her and Barrett ending up sleeping in the car :o(
The kids have spent lots of time at the beach and tonight we are going to try fishing again after McKenna goes down.
It has rained off/on but the weather has been great for the most part. I haven't hit the beach because it is just too hot for me.
Medically:
Still taking 5 chemo pills a day.
Weaning off the steroids (yeah!!!!) slowly and has been going well so far. Right now I look like a man-eating cabbage patch kid from the water retention caused by the steroids. I hate looking in the mirror. Hopefully by the time I go back to the doctor on Tuesday things are still going well and I can stop taking them all together. Then the doctor said it will take about 4 weeks to get them out of my system and the swelling to subside.
They added another chemo drug to the regimen at my last appointment but starting it was delayed while my oncologost had to get approval from the insurance company.
I am going to get on the treadmill on Sunday - wish me luck!
And looking into water aerobics classes. Don't make fun! Water resistance is the easiest thing on my body.
All and all things are going well and everyone remains optimistic.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Update....
Radiation is finished!!!!
14 treatments
It seems as though radiation has sucked every last ounce of energy from my body - literally.
I get up and go to work everyday and I am in bed every night by 5:30 or 6:00
I feel like I haven't spent good, quality time with Barrett or the kids since mid-June when all this started.
I have to keep telling myself that I have to rest and let my body recover so I can go back to being the wife/mom I was before but it is hard to rest all of the time.
I am a control freak - I will admit it. This loss of control has been hard.
This is the worst I have felt since I was diagnosed on 11.11.11
I am ready to get through this part, be back in remission and move on.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Feeling a little defeated
I have been to radiation 10 times now.
I have four more sessions to go.
I have been exhuasted for two weeks straight with the worst indigestion known to man.
I am trying to stay focused on the journey ahead but it has been difficult.
I am angry and bitter at this point and asking a lot of "why me, why now, what did I (we) do to deserve this.
I have to get my head back in the game to survive.
Monday, July 2, 2012
1st Radiation Treatment Down - 12 or 13 to go
Today was my first radiation treatment and I would have to say it wasn't bad at all as far as medical procedures go.
It took 30 minutes from beginning to end which included mask fitting, head x-rays and treament. Not so bad since I didn't even have to get a needle prick of any kind.
I have my game face back on! Ready to fight!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Some bad bews....
I don't really know how to write this post - but I am going to give it my best shot of typing through the tears.
The week Copeland's birthday I had a bad migraine that continued for 5 days - Barrett instisted I go see Dr. C on Monday. At that point my head hurt so bad I couldn't sit up straight on the exam table.
I was sent downstairs for a CT scan because the hospitals MRI machine was booked the entire day. Took maybe 30 minutes - no big deal. Dr. C came downstairs during the CT scan and said that he didn't see anything. I was sent home with some pain killers for my headache.
The next day he called Barrett's phone and asked Barrett to put him on speaker. The radiologist looked at the CT scan and found "alot of tiny" lesions on my brain. I had to leave the room. Barrett finished the conversation and an appointment was booked for the following day.
The treatment course has changed immediately to radiation everyday for the next 12-14 days. I will take chemo by mouth (5 horse pills) every morning so it will penetrate the blood/brain barrier. They will do a follow up MRI from head to toe.
We met with the radiologist and he is very nice, informative and optomistic.
I literally have been in tears since last week. The two lists are running through my mind again - what I need to do to survive and what I need to do in case I don't make it.
The saddest thing I think I have ever heard is when Jaxon walked into our room looking very sad and I asked him what was wrong and his response was "I'm so sorry that the cancer is in your brain now." Heartbreaking.
I have been crying off and on since last week. I have to get my game face on and start the fight again - not that it ever ended.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Some GREAT news......
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer one of the first things my onocologist did was send me for a PET scan to see exactly everywhere the cancer was at that time. When he showed it to Barrett & I in his office I turned my head away because it was so overwhelming and I just couldn't stand to look at it. Dr. C said he expected good things for me and said he would re-scan after five or six treatments.
As you know, the breast tumor was the only one that could be tracked from ine appointment to another. When Dr. L said the tumor in my breast was gone we were thrilled and she said that she hoped the medicine was working as well in the rest of my body.
Time for re-scan. 45 minutes in a tube and then you wait.......
Next appointment with Dr. C he had the results. He pulled out the before and after images along with the report. NO SIGNS OF ACTIVE CANCER. It was clean. I cried.
Dr. C had never talked "stages" before because I don't think he really likes to label it like that or maybe it was so bad and he didn't want me to think negatively before I actually started treatment. I will tell you that I finally took a long, hard look at the first scan it and it was scary. I had cancer in my legs, organs, bones and brain stem. It was stage 3-4. I told Barrett that I was glad that I didn't look at the first PET scan when this all started because I might have just given up.
When I saw Dr. L this week she was thrilled and called it a miracle. She said that my body's response to treatment has been better and faster than anyone anticipated.
We still have a long road ahead of us but I will continue to fight this with a vengenous because cancer can suck it!!!
As you know, the breast tumor was the only one that could be tracked from ine appointment to another. When Dr. L said the tumor in my breast was gone we were thrilled and she said that she hoped the medicine was working as well in the rest of my body.
Time for re-scan. 45 minutes in a tube and then you wait.......
Next appointment with Dr. C he had the results. He pulled out the before and after images along with the report. NO SIGNS OF ACTIVE CANCER. It was clean. I cried.
Dr. C had never talked "stages" before because I don't think he really likes to label it like that or maybe it was so bad and he didn't want me to think negatively before I actually started treatment. I will tell you that I finally took a long, hard look at the first scan it and it was scary. I had cancer in my legs, organs, bones and brain stem. It was stage 3-4. I told Barrett that I was glad that I didn't look at the first PET scan when this all started because I might have just given up.
When I saw Dr. L this week she was thrilled and called it a miracle. She said that my body's response to treatment has been better and faster than anyone anticipated.
We still have a long road ahead of us but I will continue to fight this with a vengenous because cancer can suck it!!!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sometimes you have to find the humor in things...
When I first started losing my hair we knew it was time to tell the boys what was going on. The hair loss was going to fast and obvious so we wanted them to know it was going to happen and that I was sick but would be ok.
The next day I had this conversation with Jaxon:
Jax: Mama can I ask you a question
Me: Sure Jax
Jax: when people ask you about your hair falling out will you tell them that you are sick and not because your kids drive you crazy and made you want to pull it out?
Me: Of course!
Followed by both of us laughing out loud!
The next day I had this conversation with Jaxon:
Jax: Mama can I ask you a question
Me: Sure Jax
Jax: when people ask you about your hair falling out will you tell them that you are sick and not because your kids drive you crazy and made you want to pull it out?
Me: Of course!
Followed by both of us laughing out loud!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Oh and they died.......
Here is a conversation that took place today:
Stranger: How are you?
Me: I am doing good.
Stranger: We were told what was going on with you and I was wondering how you were doing.
Me: I am doing really well.
Stranger: what medicines are they using?
Me: Herceptin and Taxatier (sp?)
Stranger: oh, they had my mother on that and hoped it would do good things for her. She fought it for five years. She has been dead about 10 years now.
Me: .......................speechless
This conversation took me completely off guard and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
I walked out with tears rolling down my face. I ran to the car and immediately called Barrett who is in England on business and repeated the conversation between sobs. He of course was mad.
I get that people still die from breast cancer especially when it has spread to liver/bones. I get it. I think about it every single day.
I get that it is possibly some round about way to relate to my situation.
But for the record - for someone currently battling cancer it is not ok to tell a story that ends with "oh and they died."
The only thing I can relate it to is when you find out you are pregnant and start sharing the news and you always have those one or two people who share their exagerated borth story of the the baby coming out sideways, face up and dragging their nails on the way out. Obviously as a pregnant person,especially with your first, these stories are the last thing you want to hear.
Same thing with cancer - no one ever wants to hear the story that ends with "oh and they died." And when you realize that those words just came out of your mouth it doesn't really soften the blow for you to try to nervously rattle off all the ways that my situation is different considering you don't really know what my situation is.
Yes, this is a bit of a rant and I apologize.
Rant over now.
Stranger: How are you?
Me: I am doing good.
Stranger: We were told what was going on with you and I was wondering how you were doing.
Me: I am doing really well.
Stranger: what medicines are they using?
Me: Herceptin and Taxatier (sp?)
Stranger: oh, they had my mother on that and hoped it would do good things for her. She fought it for five years. She has been dead about 10 years now.
Me: .......................speechless
This conversation took me completely off guard and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
I walked out with tears rolling down my face. I ran to the car and immediately called Barrett who is in England on business and repeated the conversation between sobs. He of course was mad.
I get that people still die from breast cancer especially when it has spread to liver/bones. I get it. I think about it every single day.
I get that it is possibly some round about way to relate to my situation.
But for the record - for someone currently battling cancer it is not ok to tell a story that ends with "oh and they died."
The only thing I can relate it to is when you find out you are pregnant and start sharing the news and you always have those one or two people who share their exagerated borth story of the the baby coming out sideways, face up and dragging their nails on the way out. Obviously as a pregnant person,especially with your first, these stories are the last thing you want to hear.
Same thing with cancer - no one ever wants to hear the story that ends with "oh and they died." And when you realize that those words just came out of your mouth it doesn't really soften the blow for you to try to nervously rattle off all the ways that my situation is different considering you don't really know what my situation is.
Yes, this is a bit of a rant and I apologize.
Rant over now.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Finding balance in the new normal....
When we heard the words "it's cancer" I think I literally felt our world shift. Barrett & I just stared at each other waiting for the doctor to look embarrassed, apologize for being in the wrong room and leave. That didn't happen.
I remember thinking "I am going to die."
I remember the car ride home in the rain being the longest of my life. I had two lists running in my head: 1. things I needed to do to live 2. things I need to do for Barrett and the kids in case I die.
I remember hugging the kids so hard that night that Bodie said "mama you are squishing me."
I remember going to bed that night worrying about Barrett and if I died how he would find a new wife when he already had fours kids.
That first weekend after we found out was such a roller coaster of emotions. But I got up on Monday with a new attitude, got dressed, went to work and had an appointment with my oncologist.
This was the new normal.
"Before" we juggled work, four kids, playdates, sports, school, homework, etc. "After" we have the same responsibilites but added appointments with the oncologist, breast surgeon, chemo, scans, etc.
The new normal.
I am truly exhausted at the end of every day. All I want to do when I walk in the door at home is go straight to bed (like I am right now) and sleep until the morning. That is actually what I did for most of November and December because I was in pain and it was mixed with exhausted.
Again, the new normal.
The only place that I find myself truly struggling right now is how to be a good wife and mother during all of this.
So many responsibilities have fallen at Barrett's feet to handle because he insists that I rest as much as I can. By the time he comes to bed at night I am beyond sound asleep. He lets me sleep as long as he can in the morning so I see him long enough to say goodbye and he is out the door. Yes, we work together but it isn't like hanging out together. I miss the days of watching NCIS or The Good WIfe on demand after the kids were down for the night. I miss the simple but important stuff. I miss what life was like before the word "cancer" was always on our minds. I hate that he worries constantly but doesn't want me know. I hate that I feel like I have messed up his life. I wonder if things will ever be normal again. Don't get me wrong, we are still a strong couple but a in a very different way.
I worry what impact this is having on the kids. Day to day they seem happy and "ok". But then I see glimmers of worry or being upset. I encourage them to talk about how they feel - the good and the bad. I felt bad when Bodie was so upset when I took the clippers to the little hair I had left. When I have a headache I can see the look of worry on Jaxon's face and I explain that it is a simple headache and nothing more. I wonder how much of this Copeland will remember - not much I hope. I worry about McKenna's future and if she is destined to go through this.
Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer - I don't mean for it to be. Sometimes putting my worries in words helps me sort it all out.
I remember thinking "I am going to die."
I remember the car ride home in the rain being the longest of my life. I had two lists running in my head: 1. things I needed to do to live 2. things I need to do for Barrett and the kids in case I die.
I remember hugging the kids so hard that night that Bodie said "mama you are squishing me."
I remember going to bed that night worrying about Barrett and if I died how he would find a new wife when he already had fours kids.
That first weekend after we found out was such a roller coaster of emotions. But I got up on Monday with a new attitude, got dressed, went to work and had an appointment with my oncologist.
This was the new normal.
"Before" we juggled work, four kids, playdates, sports, school, homework, etc. "After" we have the same responsibilites but added appointments with the oncologist, breast surgeon, chemo, scans, etc.
The new normal.
I am truly exhausted at the end of every day. All I want to do when I walk in the door at home is go straight to bed (like I am right now) and sleep until the morning. That is actually what I did for most of November and December because I was in pain and it was mixed with exhausted.
Again, the new normal.
The only place that I find myself truly struggling right now is how to be a good wife and mother during all of this.
So many responsibilities have fallen at Barrett's feet to handle because he insists that I rest as much as I can. By the time he comes to bed at night I am beyond sound asleep. He lets me sleep as long as he can in the morning so I see him long enough to say goodbye and he is out the door. Yes, we work together but it isn't like hanging out together. I miss the days of watching NCIS or The Good WIfe on demand after the kids were down for the night. I miss the simple but important stuff. I miss what life was like before the word "cancer" was always on our minds. I hate that he worries constantly but doesn't want me know. I hate that I feel like I have messed up his life. I wonder if things will ever be normal again. Don't get me wrong, we are still a strong couple but a in a very different way.
I worry what impact this is having on the kids. Day to day they seem happy and "ok". But then I see glimmers of worry or being upset. I encourage them to talk about how they feel - the good and the bad. I felt bad when Bodie was so upset when I took the clippers to the little hair I had left. When I have a headache I can see the look of worry on Jaxon's face and I explain that it is a simple headache and nothing more. I wonder how much of this Copeland will remember - not much I hope. I worry about McKenna's future and if she is destined to go through this.
Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer - I don't mean for it to be. Sometimes putting my worries in words helps me sort it all out.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Gone Baby Gone
So this week was a busy week. Month end at work, chemo, appointment with my breast surgeon - not to mention the every day craziness of life!
I see my oncologist for a check up before I go to infusion. I look good, blood work looks good and my liver numbers are good. Infusion went off without a hitch - check, check!
Thursday I went to see my breast surgeon for my monthly appointment. Pretty routine at this point but it is always a good visit because she tracks the size of the tumor in my breast and it is has been shrinking since I started chemo on December 2nd.
At my first appointment w/ Dr. L the tumor in my breast was 11cm x 7cm.
Six days after my first round of chemo the tumor was 2cm smaller.
Before my 3rd round of chemo it was 1.7cm x 1.3cm.
This visit it was GONE!! Yes - you read it correctly -G.O.N.E.!! Dr. L did an ultrasound and found nothing but healthy tissue!!
What does this mean? Since the breast tumor is the only tumor we can easily track from one appointment to the next the doctors assume if the chemo is working in my breast that it is working every where else.
What happens next? I have another pet scan on the 22nd to see the progress in my liver and bones.
Will I still have a mastectomy? Yes. My oncologist will change up my chemo drugs after the 6th treatment. I will stay on the the revised combination for 3 months and rescan. If nothing "pops back up" in the scan then we will decide on a surgery date.
This is a small victory in a much bigger fight but I will take it!
I see my oncologist for a check up before I go to infusion. I look good, blood work looks good and my liver numbers are good. Infusion went off without a hitch - check, check!
Thursday I went to see my breast surgeon for my monthly appointment. Pretty routine at this point but it is always a good visit because she tracks the size of the tumor in my breast and it is has been shrinking since I started chemo on December 2nd.
At my first appointment w/ Dr. L the tumor in my breast was 11cm x 7cm.
Six days after my first round of chemo the tumor was 2cm smaller.
Before my 3rd round of chemo it was 1.7cm x 1.3cm.
This visit it was GONE!! Yes - you read it correctly -G.O.N.E.!! Dr. L did an ultrasound and found nothing but healthy tissue!!
What does this mean? Since the breast tumor is the only tumor we can easily track from one appointment to the next the doctors assume if the chemo is working in my breast that it is working every where else.
What happens next? I have another pet scan on the 22nd to see the progress in my liver and bones.
Will I still have a mastectomy? Yes. My oncologist will change up my chemo drugs after the 6th treatment. I will stay on the the revised combination for 3 months and rescan. If nothing "pops back up" in the scan then we will decide on a surgery date.
This is a small victory in a much bigger fight but I will take it!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Moments like these
Our 5 year old son Bodie is a character. He is very animated, very expressful and just a hoot in general.
Last week he had his admission interview for Kindergarten. The night before he hurt his knee wrestling with his brothers so the long walk across the parking lot seemed like the gaunlet (not to mention we were running late). I asked him if he would like me to carry him and he answered with a resounding "YES!"
I picked him up and started to walk and as I did I looked as his face and he was literally grinning from ear to ear. I asked him why he was smiling so big and this is the conversation that followed:
Bodie: Mama, do you remember a couple months ago when you couldn't pick me up because it hurt so bad
Me: Yes Bodie, I remember
Bodie: Now you can pick me up! Do you know what that means?
Me: What Bodie (expecting a silly response)
Bodie: It means you are getting stronger which means you are getting better.
He followed that up with the best neck-squeazing hug ever!
I think that sometimes we as parents (I think all parents are guilty of this at some time or another) don't give our kids enough credit for understanding what is going on around them. We have had "the talk" about what is going on with me medically but it isn't until moments like these do we understand how much they absorb, understand and process these real life conversations.
I can honestly say that I am proud of our children for the way they have handled everything so far. Of course there have been tears and anger but we have had far more giggles and hugs and that is how we intend to keep it.
Last week he had his admission interview for Kindergarten. The night before he hurt his knee wrestling with his brothers so the long walk across the parking lot seemed like the gaunlet (not to mention we were running late). I asked him if he would like me to carry him and he answered with a resounding "YES!"
I picked him up and started to walk and as I did I looked as his face and he was literally grinning from ear to ear. I asked him why he was smiling so big and this is the conversation that followed:
Bodie: Mama, do you remember a couple months ago when you couldn't pick me up because it hurt so bad
Me: Yes Bodie, I remember
Bodie: Now you can pick me up! Do you know what that means?
Me: What Bodie (expecting a silly response)
Bodie: It means you are getting stronger which means you are getting better.
He followed that up with the best neck-squeazing hug ever!
I think that sometimes we as parents (I think all parents are guilty of this at some time or another) don't give our kids enough credit for understanding what is going on around them. We have had "the talk" about what is going on with me medically but it isn't until moments like these do we understand how much they absorb, understand and process these real life conversations.
I can honestly say that I am proud of our children for the way they have handled everything so far. Of course there have been tears and anger but we have had far more giggles and hugs and that is how we intend to keep it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
What to say.....
When people who don't know me well see me (like in the hallway at the boys preschool) they look at me and then look away. It's like there is an elephant in the room and I am the elephant.
Today it was very refreshing when one of the mom's simpy looked at me and said "how are you?" I could tell that she was truly concerned and it wasn't an attempt to make small talk. I told her that I was feeling great, my doctors are thrilled with my progress and very optimistic. She went on to tell me that she has wanted to ask but didn't know what was "appropriate".
Later in the day I received a facebook message from a mom of one of Jax's preschool friends that I haven't talked to in quite a while. She told me that she had debated on whether or not she should send me the message. She told me that she has been reading this blog and my facebook posts and had been praying for me and for our family and that I was in her thoughts daily.
Both instances made me smile today. Ok, I'm not going to lie, I teared up a little too. Good tears though.
I understand that people don't know what to say, afraid they are going to say the wrong thing or ask a question that has an answer that includes bad news. I understand that people want to ask questions but don't want to be intrusive. I even understand that people look at me and think "thank God that isn't me".
I want to just let everyone (you know, the five people who read this blog) that I appreciate every "how are you, you are in my thoughts, I prayed for you" that I hear - it means you care and for that I am grateful.
If you have a question - ask it - you know me, I will be honest and tell you if it is too personal. But asking a question means you care and I would never fault anyone for that.
Even if you don't know what to say - it is ok to say exactly that.
I continue to feel great without taking any pain medication! I still battle fatigue and insomnia (great combination) but I can't really complain because the side effects could be alot worse.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for caring about my family.
xoxoxo Jen
Today it was very refreshing when one of the mom's simpy looked at me and said "how are you?" I could tell that she was truly concerned and it wasn't an attempt to make small talk. I told her that I was feeling great, my doctors are thrilled with my progress and very optimistic. She went on to tell me that she has wanted to ask but didn't know what was "appropriate".
Later in the day I received a facebook message from a mom of one of Jax's preschool friends that I haven't talked to in quite a while. She told me that she had debated on whether or not she should send me the message. She told me that she has been reading this blog and my facebook posts and had been praying for me and for our family and that I was in her thoughts daily.
Both instances made me smile today. Ok, I'm not going to lie, I teared up a little too. Good tears though.
I understand that people don't know what to say, afraid they are going to say the wrong thing or ask a question that has an answer that includes bad news. I understand that people want to ask questions but don't want to be intrusive. I even understand that people look at me and think "thank God that isn't me".
I want to just let everyone (you know, the five people who read this blog) that I appreciate every "how are you, you are in my thoughts, I prayed for you" that I hear - it means you care and for that I am grateful.
If you have a question - ask it - you know me, I will be honest and tell you if it is too personal. But asking a question means you care and I would never fault anyone for that.
Even if you don't know what to say - it is ok to say exactly that.
I continue to feel great without taking any pain medication! I still battle fatigue and insomnia (great combination) but I can't really complain because the side effects could be alot worse.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for caring about my family.
xoxoxo Jen
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Another Treatment Down......
Friday was treatment day.
It starts with a blood draw, vitals and visit with my Oncologist.
Dr. C was thrilled that my liver numbers are back to normal, I am producing red blood cells and the breast tumor is "tiny". He said that he saw my breast surgeon the day before and she was "giddy" with my progress! For doctors that deliver bad news on a daily basis this was absolute music to our ears. He said that we should assume if the medicine is shrinking the breast tumor then it is safe to say that it is working every else.
I will have another full body scan after my 4th treatment. Surgery will come some time after my 6th treatment.
After I see Dr. C I go downstairs to infusion. Basically I sit in a cubicle type of set up in a recliner with a tv and a blanket. After they access the port in my chest (hurts just as the needle goes in) and they hook up the iv meds I just chill out for about two hours. People have asked if it feels weird or if I feel anything at all during the infusion - the answer is no.
The infusion area is really big with alot of people in/out while I have treatment. I see a few familiar faces every time. It is like a club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of but we are so we have some unspoken bond.
I don't like Barrett to stay with me during treatment. It's nothing personal but I feel like he can be doing something much more productive then sitting in a cubicle staring at me. I know he doesn't like leaving me but I like the "alone" time - you know as much alone time as you can have with 50 other people in the room.
Saturday I went and picked up the wig that I ordered. Last week I went to a place here in Plano called Survivor Girls. They specialize in wigs, hats, turbons, etc. It was a surprisingly easy process. They really took the time to help me find something I liked and was close to my natural hair. I wore it all day on Saturday while running errands but I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head screaming "WIG, WIG, WIG". Barrett likes it - Bodie hated it and cried. Jax said "mama it looks beautiful". So the final verdict is still out.
I realize that in the big picture that my hair should be the least of my worries but a girl's hair is part of their identity and it has really been hard to lose it. I also think that so much of what is going on is out completely out of my control and I want to look "normal" and am having trouble adjusting to the new normal.
Overall things are going very well and we continue to focus on the positive and work through the hard stuff as a family.
It starts with a blood draw, vitals and visit with my Oncologist.
Dr. C was thrilled that my liver numbers are back to normal, I am producing red blood cells and the breast tumor is "tiny". He said that he saw my breast surgeon the day before and she was "giddy" with my progress! For doctors that deliver bad news on a daily basis this was absolute music to our ears. He said that we should assume if the medicine is shrinking the breast tumor then it is safe to say that it is working every else.
I will have another full body scan after my 4th treatment. Surgery will come some time after my 6th treatment.
After I see Dr. C I go downstairs to infusion. Basically I sit in a cubicle type of set up in a recliner with a tv and a blanket. After they access the port in my chest (hurts just as the needle goes in) and they hook up the iv meds I just chill out for about two hours. People have asked if it feels weird or if I feel anything at all during the infusion - the answer is no.
The infusion area is really big with alot of people in/out while I have treatment. I see a few familiar faces every time. It is like a club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of but we are so we have some unspoken bond.
I don't like Barrett to stay with me during treatment. It's nothing personal but I feel like he can be doing something much more productive then sitting in a cubicle staring at me. I know he doesn't like leaving me but I like the "alone" time - you know as much alone time as you can have with 50 other people in the room.
Saturday I went and picked up the wig that I ordered. Last week I went to a place here in Plano called Survivor Girls. They specialize in wigs, hats, turbons, etc. It was a surprisingly easy process. They really took the time to help me find something I liked and was close to my natural hair. I wore it all day on Saturday while running errands but I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head screaming "WIG, WIG, WIG". Barrett likes it - Bodie hated it and cried. Jax said "mama it looks beautiful". So the final verdict is still out.
I realize that in the big picture that my hair should be the least of my worries but a girl's hair is part of their identity and it has really been hard to lose it. I also think that so much of what is going on is out completely out of my control and I want to look "normal" and am having trouble adjusting to the new normal.
Overall things are going very well and we continue to focus on the positive and work through the hard stuff as a family.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Where Do I Start?
I don't even know where to start.......
The last blog (which shut down because I never updated) left off with us having the three boys and pregnant with #4 - a baby girl!
Miss McKenna Mariska arrived on May 18th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz - bigger than any of her brothers at birth! So much for the dainty little girl - ha! Her brothers love her to pieces and you can tell the feeling is mutual. She has definitely made our family complete.
Fast forward to 11.11.11 - supposedly a lucky day that turned out to be not so lucky for us. Barrett took me to the ER with what we thought would be kidney stones but turned out to be a diagnosis of breast cancer that spread to my liver and some of my bones. The moment that my doctor said those words are forever burned in my mind. I remember Barrett and I just staring at each other in total shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for the doctor to apologize and say that he was in the wrong room but that didn't happen.
The drive home was the longest of my life. The words "I am going to die" kept running through my head. We were both terrified. Neither of us knew what to say or what to do next.
What we did next was go home, hug our kids, take a deep breath and go to bed.
That weekend was full of tears - a lot of tears. How would I be able to say goodbye to my husband and four babies. Would they be ok? Would they even remember me?
We went to work on Monday and got a call that there was an opening at the Oncologist. Barrett went with me - we had so many questions we didn't know where to begin. Thankfully the Oncologist was patient and walked us through the next few steps that we would need to take.
Here is a brief synopsis:
11.11.11 diagnosis
11.14.11 first appt w/ oncologist
11.17.11 needle biopsy w/ breast surgeon
11.22.11 call from doctor with the offical confirmation of breast cancer diagnosis
11.23.11 pet scan
11.28.11 surgery to place medi-port in my chest
12.02.11 first round of chemo
12.03.11 doctor puts me in hospital due to a high fever - lots of blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan to try and figure out why
12.04.11 another night in the hospital - my fever broke in the night and returned about 5:30am so the doctor wanted me to stay another night
12.05.11 released from the hospital and went to work
12.08.11 stitches removed by breast surgeon - breast tumor measured and was 2cm smaller!!
12.12.11 f/u appointment with oncologist
12.19.11 hair loss begins
12.21.11 the night we told the boys that I was sick and that I would lose my hair. Lots of tears, hugs and questions. I take a shower later that night and end up losing 80% of my hair. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't.
12.22.11 2nd round of chemo
1.05.12 f/u appt with breast surgeon - tumor that was 11cm x 7cm is now 1.3cm x 1.7cm - AMAZING. Doctor was beyond thrilled! I was in tears when I called Barrett to tell him.
I had been in pain 24/7 when this first started and took pain medication around the clock - after just two treatments I rarely have to take any! I am also taking alot of vitamins and supplements to help boost my immune system and combat the side effects from chemo.
There is a laundry list of potential side effects and I only have hair loss, fatigue and canker sores - sounds bad but if these are the worst then I am thankful.
The outpouring of love and support for our family has been amazing, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time. I can't tell you how many times we have heard "I am praying for you and your family" - it never gets old and never goes unappreciated.
I decided that I am fighting this head on and staying positive. I am NOT letting cancer define who I am. I am a wife to Barrett, a mother to my four children and I happen to have cancer. I am determined to fight my way through this.
The last blog (which shut down because I never updated) left off with us having the three boys and pregnant with #4 - a baby girl!
Miss McKenna Mariska arrived on May 18th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz - bigger than any of her brothers at birth! So much for the dainty little girl - ha! Her brothers love her to pieces and you can tell the feeling is mutual. She has definitely made our family complete.
Fast forward to 11.11.11 - supposedly a lucky day that turned out to be not so lucky for us. Barrett took me to the ER with what we thought would be kidney stones but turned out to be a diagnosis of breast cancer that spread to my liver and some of my bones. The moment that my doctor said those words are forever burned in my mind. I remember Barrett and I just staring at each other in total shock and disbelief. I kept waiting for the doctor to apologize and say that he was in the wrong room but that didn't happen.
The drive home was the longest of my life. The words "I am going to die" kept running through my head. We were both terrified. Neither of us knew what to say or what to do next.
What we did next was go home, hug our kids, take a deep breath and go to bed.
That weekend was full of tears - a lot of tears. How would I be able to say goodbye to my husband and four babies. Would they be ok? Would they even remember me?
We went to work on Monday and got a call that there was an opening at the Oncologist. Barrett went with me - we had so many questions we didn't know where to begin. Thankfully the Oncologist was patient and walked us through the next few steps that we would need to take.
Here is a brief synopsis:
11.11.11 diagnosis
11.14.11 first appt w/ oncologist
11.17.11 needle biopsy w/ breast surgeon
11.22.11 call from doctor with the offical confirmation of breast cancer diagnosis
11.23.11 pet scan
11.28.11 surgery to place medi-port in my chest
12.02.11 first round of chemo
12.03.11 doctor puts me in hospital due to a high fever - lots of blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan to try and figure out why
12.04.11 another night in the hospital - my fever broke in the night and returned about 5:30am so the doctor wanted me to stay another night
12.05.11 released from the hospital and went to work
12.08.11 stitches removed by breast surgeon - breast tumor measured and was 2cm smaller!!
12.12.11 f/u appointment with oncologist
12.19.11 hair loss begins
12.21.11 the night we told the boys that I was sick and that I would lose my hair. Lots of tears, hugs and questions. I take a shower later that night and end up losing 80% of my hair. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't.
12.22.11 2nd round of chemo
1.05.12 f/u appt with breast surgeon - tumor that was 11cm x 7cm is now 1.3cm x 1.7cm - AMAZING. Doctor was beyond thrilled! I was in tears when I called Barrett to tell him.
I had been in pain 24/7 when this first started and took pain medication around the clock - after just two treatments I rarely have to take any! I am also taking alot of vitamins and supplements to help boost my immune system and combat the side effects from chemo.
There is a laundry list of potential side effects and I only have hair loss, fatigue and canker sores - sounds bad but if these are the worst then I am thankful.
The outpouring of love and support for our family has been amazing, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time. I can't tell you how many times we have heard "I am praying for you and your family" - it never gets old and never goes unappreciated.
I decided that I am fighting this head on and staying positive. I am NOT letting cancer define who I am. I am a wife to Barrett, a mother to my four children and I happen to have cancer. I am determined to fight my way through this.
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